Hamburger power rankings

We tried pineapple on pizza, but what about pineapple on a burger?

I want to talk to you all about my dinner the other night.

It was a Friday. It had been a pretty shit week on a number of different fronts just to make the typical business take even more of a toll than is normal. So the decision was taken to head over to the local takeaway shop.

Now, this local takeaway is a local takeaway shop in every sense of the word. It is on the main street of a nondescript suburb. It is located next door to what I think is the world's only combined petrol station/post office/bottle shop. The whole suburb contains maybe two streets, one of which is bisected by a railway crossing.

You enter by clattering open the ancient screen door. The floor inside is beige linoleum (that was possibly white when it was first installed maybe 600 years ago). It smells of grease. There is no air-conditioning. It is hot.

On the shelves are the sorts of lollies one would lose their mind over as a six or seven year old. Everything from the (don't push me, push a) Push Pop, Nerds and Giant Pythons to the classic red frogs to small bags of Sherbies, which are a personal favourite.

If you want health food, this is not the the place for you. Two-thirds menu is resplendent with meat and meat-adjacent foodstuffs that are battered or crumbed and then deep-fried.

The other third? Well, that's the burgers. And that's why we're here.

God tier hamburger

The takeaway shop hamburger is not only on the god tier, it is the god tier. There are none equal to this.

You may think there is. But you are wrong. Or probably a Seppo and, frankly, you do not get to have a say when it comes to food and judging its quality.

Now, the takeaway shop hamburger usually comes in a couple of different varieties. Usually there is a basic one, a chicken one, the house special that often contains questionable ingredient choices, and the works burger.

All these burgers are served on a simple, toasted, white bun. Sesame seeds optional, but encouraged.

The works burger contains, at minimum:

• Beef patty
• Cheese
• Onions
• Lettuce
• Egg
• Beetroot
• Tomato
• Pineapple
• Bacon
• Barbecue sauce

It is big. It is messy. It is the single most glorious thing you will ever eat.

It is washed down with a side of chips swimming in chicken salt and, depending on your preferences a fizzy drink of some sort or a beer.

Front of the peloton

At the front of the peloton, well behind god tier but head of everything else, you will find most pub burgers. Many try to bring the same energy as the takeaway shop burger, but fall down because the pub kitchen is run by a frustrated chef annoyed their life choices have lead to slinging schnitzels and gravy six nights a week and not a Michelin star.

Also here are many of the Portuguese chicken burgers. Frangos, Ogalo, things of that nature. The order in which one places the chains here is a matter of personal preference.

Firmly in the mid-pack

Pretty much every other burger you're likely to come across.

The moral of the story is that it is incredibly hard to fuck up a burger. That said:

Shit tier burgers

Hello, McDonalds.

Now, I must admit that I am partial to a Maccas burger on occasion. But that comes from a place of not wanting anything good and knowing that I am not making good choices. They're fucking garbage and if given a choice you should pick literally anything else.

But I reckon that goes without saying.

Honourable mention

At this juncture I would like to offer a shoutout to the single most memorable burger I have ever eaten. To my shame, have forgotten its name. But I remember everything else about it, especially how it made me feel afterwards.

I was at Harts Pub in The Rocks. I was a with a mate. We were drinking beer. It was lunch time.

The menu offered a special. This particular burger. It had meats provided by four (4) different animals on it, and it did not at all skimp on any of it.

I had never had the Meat Sweats from a burger before this. And just the memory is enough to invoke a physical reaction now, some 10 years later. Hoo boy.

That was an experience.